ramblings

Learning how to talk about me

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Emotional and self awareness are interesting concepts. Sometimes the way they’re talked about makes it feel like the time prior to these moments were spent asleep, and I guess in a way one is. Living and experiencing life without truly understanding the reason why things make one react that way, or why one feels the way they feel.

Anxiety was something I came to learn was a constant companion in my 20s, and that felt like a game-changer but little did I know the amount of self discovery yet to make. And I guess in some ways, I don’t know now what I don’t know – I wonder what new self discoveries I’ll make into my 40s, 50s, 60s and beyond.

But one of the more monumental realisations is that I’m neurodivergent. And before I dive deeper into it, I want to address that if I am, I am high-functioning and have no real intention of getting formally diagnosed. Not because I’m scared but largely because I don’t see there being much value for myself. I have lived to my mid-thirties having built enough coping strategies and mechanisms for these attributes I always just thought were “quirks”, nothing has caused me enough gripe to be needing formal diagnosis in order to access things like prescription medicines. So, this could all be ramblings of a madwoman and may as well taken as one – but then, who’s reading this anyway?#

Where was I? Oh yes, neurodivergence. If I had guess, I would guess I’m AuDHD, or I even saw that there is a third type called giftedness somewhere (although if that is what I am, I really wish they would change the labelling because that just sounds downright arrogant). But basically, it’s a reeeeeaaaaally fun melting pot of overlap between the three, so I could be all three and also none at all. Why not have my mood of the day choose what I am hey?

I can’t remember when I started noticing my “quirks” perhaps weren’t just quirks. I guess some time in my 20s, I would nonchalantly quip that I was on the spectrum, but I can’t tell you how much I truly believed what I said at the time. I knew I had always thought differently to people around me, but as the only Hong Kong Chinese kid and one of a handful of kids who were not white in my entire school year, I had just figured it might’ve been a cultural thing. In some ways, I think that was a blessing. I felt different and isolated and alone in lots of ways growing up where I did, but it never occurred to me it was because of how I thought, just what I was haha. And I got to reconcile with different cultural identity in my late teens/ early twenties to the point where I’m proud to be from a different cultural heritage and background, so in some ways I see it as a win-win?

Over time, it became clearer that I had traits that were associated with ADHD as well as autism although I think to a lesser extent. It is also interesting that certain traits and quirks, I swear, started appearing in my 20s. But my mind being my mind, has always just taken the role of an observer, seeing a trend in triggers and reactions so would take introduce protocols or strategies to counter these.

I remember the first time, some time in my mid 20s, when I experienced a mild panic attack on the tube. I was living in London at the time and it was the middle of winter. The tubes are generally quite warm, and some lines (like the central line) I’d always say just felt a few metres closer to hell. That particular day, I had gotten on the tube and had been layered up, as one would in winter. The dance of putting clothes on having taken them off just felt cumbersome so I had decided to not, but some time halfway through the journey (I think I was at Canning Town, on the way to Stratford), I could feel myself struggling to cool down. The walking around to catch the tube plus the warm carriage prevented that and I could feel panic creep up and up and up until I experienced my first ever mild panic attack. It was really strange, literally nothing had happened apart from me getting too warm. It always struck me as really odd after that, how so many other people could wear puffer jackets on the tube. Turns out struggling to thermal regulate is actually a trait within autism. Whodathunk?

Another quirk of mine is that strong smells give me headaches. I have never been able to enjoy walking within 20 metres of a Lush store, or ever wear perfume. It’s like my olfactory senses get slapped by the cloying smells and not in a fun way. Now, knowing what I know about sensory overwhelm, perhaps that was always a sign of neurodivergence. I just had put it down to a sensitive sense of smell.

One more “quirk” I’ll share is around my issues with emotional permanence. Object permanence is the concept of being able to keep the idea something exists when it’s not directly in your immediate vicinity or recent interactions. A lot of people with ADHD suffer issues with object permanence. Turns out there is also an emotion equivalent where people from both ADHD or autistic backgrounds struggle to hold onto feelings or a sense of connection with another person when they are not physically present. It is something I have experienced since I started dating in my early twenties and experienced a partner going away for a trip. It didn’t need to be a long trip, even a week or two week trip would trigger this in me. I always put it down to my anxious attachment style, which in hindsight, might actually be a reaction because the sudden absence of the strong emotions I had felt is a bit jarring. But as I was researching into the concept this morning, it all finally clicked and it felt amazing to read in words, not written by me, the feeling of what I had felt but never quite understood why. Turns out I am mad! But at least we know what the madness is.

None of this necessarily changes anything, I still won’t go get diagnosed, and whilst having the vocabulary to be able to discuss and explain to people why I react or feel a particular is useful, I had already had awareness and had active coping mechanisms in place for years before I discovered the vocabulary. I will try and adopt some of the new copy strategies I’ve read to see if it can help me even more, but to a certain extent, I feel like I have this under control.
I would say, it was something that was really bothering you and it does not feel in control or is negatively affecting you (the main requirement we were taught on my BSc Pharmacology course was the defining factor of a psychological disorder), then do seek help and diagnosis. Sometimes we all need a little help in order to be able to identify and put things in place to help. We don’t have to do it alone.

But ultimately, know that those quirks make up who you are. They won’t go away any time soon, or ever. For me, I very much like who I am, quirks and all so that’s fine by me.

Lost Again

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Having been an adult for a number of years, there are certain things that I am confident that I have learnt. Things like that life is a long journey made up of destination checkpoints as determined by oneself. Things like that even though you’re aware of something being an issue like anxiety, it never truly goes away, no matter how much you work on it, it’s an ongoing relationship where some days feel better than others.

But what I do not know, is how things like this restless feeling keeps coming back. I do not know where it stems from, and I do not know how to live alongside it. It’s been sitting inside me like the ever-present rot during a wet and rainy winter, and it concerns me that there’s this feeling it may cause my house to fall apart.

Last night we went down to the river for a wild swim with my boyfriend and his old school friend. His old school friend lived locally and had invited a long a bunch of other parents that he knew through his children’s school. They were all lovely people and you can see knowing each other in their community gave them support, comfort and joy. To me, there was something that made me want to run away from it. There was something distinctly monotonal to me about their identities being British parents. Part of me is horrified at the thought of it if I were to ever have a child, knowing full well that if I had a child, this would probably be the type of community I would seek out. So what is it that makes me feel such an aversion? What am I seeking instead? Because every time I ask that question, all my brain does is come up with nothing. I long for the times in my 20s where I go out adventuring, meeting new people, being free to explore however, I am no longer that person. I have trouble reconciling how it is I “should be” vs what I have known vs what it is I want but do not know. Getting older is not easy. They say that the 20s are the time for you to figure out who you are and that 30s are when you have come to know yourself. Sure I know myself better in some ways but I certainly do not feel like I have it figured out. I feel since I’ve hit my 30s, I’ve had to try and figure it all out again with new doubts like “Am I too old to be wearing this crop top?”. It feels like if I’ve set myself off on one direction, I come to change my mind at a later stage.

Sometimes I’m envious of people like that group of parents. They know what it’s like and are making the most of their lives as parents and seem to be owning it. Perhaps they struggle with exactly how I feel, but then they’re probably distracted by their children screaming about something inane, or creating some sort of mess or chaos.

Is this restless feeling a sense of not belonging, or wanting to run away?

Learning to be comfortable with discomfort

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It’s taken me a while, but I slowly feel like I’m reaching a stage again where I feel capable of pushing physical and also mental limits.

I broke my ankle at the very start of the year, and was off my feet for weeks if not months. I barely left the house for the first two months. With such dominating condition, I guess it’s not surprising in hindsight how much that would affect me physically but also mentally. I became very used to being inactive and staying in which is very different to how I usually am. It also made me feel very trapped because I didn’t feel like I could go out, it took a lot of effort for a long while.

If I had to take a stab at explaining it, I would say because I was going through such an amount of physical pain, it left me with a reduced capacity to deal with any other discomforts. So I was drawn to easy and pleasurable experiences that did bring a degree of comfort. However, a life well lived (in my opinion) is one where one must become somewhat comfortable being uncomfortable because that is where the most personal growth occurs. For example, returning to rope climbing, I have been feeling more fear of heights and falling than I did before. That fear has always been there, but in the past I’ve been able to acknowledge the fear and climb past it. With no little amount of patience, I’m finally feeling a little closer to being able to do that again.

Another avenue in my life that provides mild discomfort is my recent uptake of Spanish lessons. Learning the language has always been something I would love to do but never known quite how to make a reality. I finally decided to bite the bullet and commit to a course and so far, it’s very early days, it seems to be going well. But one thing I do recognise is that you do also have to be uncomfortable in being unable to express yourself and still be willing to learn and be corrected. It’s amazing though, if embraced, how much progress you can make in a short time.

Life does gives us all knocks, but I am glad to have been able to navigate back to this point where I am seeing more progression. The other important point, is that the healthy way to look at progression is comparisons between where you were recently (maybe like 6 months or a year ago) rather than all time. Progression is about recognising the uptrend in performance and sometimes that may have fluctuations over “all time”. It’s just something I’ve had to remind myself of in an effort to be kinder to myself.

Until Something Sticks

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It’s weird how sometimes anxiety can be your worst enemy. Or at least my worst enemy. In relationships I’ve learned that if a relationship doesn’t work out, there will likely be someone else out there that I’ll meet later on. If not, I’m more than happy being on my own. There’s little to no anxiety in that area of worrying about rejection.
In other avenues of my life, that definitely is not the same.

I’m here now until something sticks. Just got to ride along with it like a wave. At the end of the day, anxiety won’t beat me.

2021, starting the year strong

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It’s six weeks into the new year and it’s been pretty eventful so far (despite a national lockdown). I’ve managed to break my ankle, catch covid, lock myself out of the flat (on crutches) and also had the water supply temporarily cut off without warning. But all in all, I feel pretty good.

I think in some ways, the pandemic and subsequent lockdowns have felt so all encompassing in their isolation and how much they affect you, that more trivial or common mishaps in some ways breaks that doom and gloom feeling. Shit still happens. Life still happens, it’s just a little subdued right now.

Crazy to think we’re fast approaching one full year since I started working from home. Trying to remember how it felt back at that time, it felt like such a bizarre occurrence. There was such disbelief from friends, loved ones and also myself that it would last any longer than 4-6 months tops. And how we’ve all learnt since.

We’ve taken a lot from 2020 in terms of teachings, although definitely more of the tough love vein. My hope for 2021 is that we end this year having been able to implement those learnings and grow positively.

End of 2020: Thank fuck

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At the end of a year, it’s natural to do some reflecting on the year past. Particularly what with time off work for the holidays, it’s natural to start thinking with more time on your hands. Having just watched Death to 2020, it just really hammered in what a bizarre year it’s been. With the Hong Kong security law, Brexit, the Beirut explosion, a new intensity of wildfires due to climate change, the trash TV show that’s been American politics, ending with a big finale of the election all drawn out to the overture of covid and all its complexities… It’s hard not to have felt fatigued from reading the news this year. Opening a news site became associated with an ominous feeling of dread “what new development awaits us now?”. And that’s all stuff on the global news cycle that I have no control over. In fact the main mental health implication is how those breaking news stories bled over and impacted personal life. Not just mine, but everybody across the globe. It’s hard to imagine another development positive or negative that has simultaneously affected everyone globally.

Personally I’m doing well which I recognise and am very grateful for. My partner and I are both working for companies that have not only survived but had very good years despite covid so our jobs are stable. In fact, my job has been incredibly stressful and busy since August which brought on its own issues. I work in an industry which has historically been vulnerable to budget cuts so my company has been cautious in spend (i.e. hiring people), and being in a world situation where job losses was at an all time high it meant you had to just suck it up and pull in the intense and long hours in order to meet client demands. Which has sucked. My mental and physical health has suffered for it. It’s scary to think that I am still considered one of the lucky ones and I do still think that.

Mental health wise, being in London has been incredibly tricky. It’s so easy to feel stuck, London has always had its own centre of gravity that made it difficult to leave, but now public transport was made to be something to fear, it meant you couldn’t travel 45 mins to get to the other side of the city to do that thing you wanted to like go to a restaurant or a climbing wall. With restrictions changing on a weekly sometimes daily basis like the menu of a bougie hipster cafe or restaurant, just flip flopping between being stuck indoors and being able to go out and see friends, it’s been really hard to adjust and get through it. You’re having to adjust every two seconds with very little consistency. The loss of control and ability to actualise what I want to do is the thing I struggle with the most. It will be interesting to see what the mental health implications of this will be. You don’t have to have had covid to be affected by the pandemic.

With vaccines being approved one by one, and distribution starting, I know the start of 2021 won’t look much different from the end of 2020 – I don’t think we’re under any illusions there. But I do fervently hope along with the whole world that we can reach a point where this becomes manageable. Covid isn’t going away miraculously, no matter what outgoing idiotic world leaders say so. It may mutate out of existence (which is random and small in chance), but likelihood is that it will continue to exist and infect people so if we can get to a point where there are protocols to manage it like smallpox, we might be able to get back to some semblance of life before. Where we were able to go about our lives without having to worry about an invisible enemy.

I never thought I’d say…

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…that I miss feeling the way I did three years ago in the darkest yet period of my life. But I kind of weirdly do. Going through the emotional stress and turmoil I was forced to suddenly go through gave me a very unique experience. The lack of caring about things meant that my anxiety was thrown into a box and taken to one side.

I don’t necessarily miss what had happened to me, although I maintain that I wouldn’t change what happened. I am who I am because of what’s happened and I accept and love who I am. But the detachment I felt, was in some ways intoxicating. It felt like the lack of emotional investment meant that I gained a certain sense of clarity in the motivation behind other people’s actions and also for me to be able to better control mine. I felt like I could do anything.

Perhaps that wasn’t the case but it certainly felt it.

Outside of that, it gave me some preparation of the suddenness of this pandemic and having to abruptly change our lives at the drop of a hat. I’ve done it before, and whilst it wasn’t any easier, at least I had my previous experience. Gotta keep looking out for ways to be grateful for your experiences. No matter how painful.

On The Cusp of Change

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There’s a tension in the air, a noticeable increase in pressure. The weather looks cold, but is humid and sticky. It’s an unusual June that’s come after an even more unusual spring.

There’s change coming. I can feel it.

Watching things on the news and taking a step back feels like it gives you perspective. If you draw it all out on a board, you can make links and connections. Tensions that’s been building up for decades fills a room like gas, with each spark causing a small explosion. It’s always been there, we know it’s always been there. You may not hear it, see it, feel it, but you can sure smell it. Gas just filling up the room. You definitely know it’s there when the explosion engulfs you in flames. Probably should’ve look to fix that before it got so bad.

Every generation we bring about changes. It’s time we brought in changes for racism.

For those who reject the fact that systemic and constitutional racism exists, they’re choosing to be blind. The motivations can be different but the loss of sight is the same.

And for those who have spent their life being discriminated against, change is coming, but you better not get complacent. You need to keep fighting. We all need to keep fighting to do better together.

What makes life worth living?

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With a sudden curtailment of the freedoms a lifestyle in a western city offers, it removes all of the glorious distractions that makes such a place attractive to live. Suddenly in a densely populated city where people are living upwards, you find it suddenly feels very claustrophobic. This has been ever more highlighted in the recent week where restrictions have loosened and allowed sunbathing in parks. Right near where we live on days with beautiful sunshine, it somewhat resembles a field at a music festival.

So in this busy, crammed city where your normal routine is completely dashed and time for your thoughts is exponentially increased, it leads one to question “what restrictions would need to be relaxed in order to make things more bearable?”. For some people it’s simply seeing friends, for others it’s pubs, and others it’s travel abroad. The more I thought about it, the less I am sure about how to answer that question. Suddenly without the distractions I’m yet again faced with the question of what life it is I want to live. What makes my life worth living?
It’s hugely interesting to see on the news how countries are starting to put measures in place to allow businesses to open and international travel to take place again. In the face of a likely second wave or possibly even a third, it feels like they’re saying they’ve had enough and life cannot continue the way it was.

This pandemic as with every other trial in life will pass, eventually, how we choose to handle it is entirely up to us. If I could possibly leave this period with more idea and motivation towards a life I want to lead, that would be a great result of a very weird period in this life.

The World Today

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The world today is not the world that it was three months ago. Or perhaps even two months ago in Europe. It’s crazy how quickly things have changed.

It is Easter Monday today and tomorrow I’ll be entering into my 5th week of working from home – 4 weeks into national lockdown. Whilst working remotely is something in recent years I’ve wanted to secure for myself, never would I have guessed that it would happen in this form. Covid-19 has taken advantage of hesitation from governments around the world and spread across the globe. To my knowledge, only a handful of countries have not yet reported a case although as we all know by now, confirmed cases and deaths are only as accurate as the reporting itself.

It’s occurrence is unlike anything we’ve ever known in this lifetime (most of us won’t remember the 1918 pandemic of Spanish flu I imagine) and how strange it all is. None of us could ever imagine something to occur on such a global scale, dominating the news until you’re sick of hearing about it everywhere you turn, and yet unable to stop thinking about it because it penetrates every aspect of your current life. As someone who doesn’t like feeling trapped, this turn of events is pretty suffocating.

There are fascinating things to come out of it, whether that’s statistically (biomed was my undergraduate degree so I find this all so interesting), politically, economically or socially. And whilst I’m sitting in my flat gleaning all these insights and collating all the articles and information I’m reading each day, all I can hope is that governments across the world are doing the same and better. I really don’t think much of the response to this crisis from some governments – slow to respond, and some absolutely ridiculous ideas have been floated around. When you have the government using the term “herd immunity” as a strategy against a virus for which there isn’t an existing vaccine for and an estimated fatality rate of 1-2%, that’s a pretty serious mistake particularly when a virus moves as fast and is as infectious as this one. Man oh man oh man.

Knowledge is power. That’s why countries like South Korea and Germany have had such success in comparison to their neighbouring countries. Find the trail of infection, if you know where it’s been and where it’s going, you can control it – short term and long term. For the period between now and when a vaccine can be mass produced and distributed, that is the only really conceivable solution, a national lockdown is not sustainable.

I’m so intrigued to see how the world will change after this. After the SARS outbreak in 2003, lots of East Asian countries including my home region of Hong Kong took it as a cultural habit to don a face mask whenever they were sick. Western societies seem to misinterpret it as people not wanting to get sick but it’s actually the opposite. They’re wearing the mask to avoid spreading it to others. Given the misinterpretation from the West, I doubt that this will become a common trend like in East Asia.

Things that I think will change:

  1. A shift towards more of a working from home/ remotely culture. For the companies that have moved remote (including my own), senior management may see that productivity doesn’t drop as much as they fear and actually be encouraged by the idea of revenue they can save by hiring less office space.
  2. Introduction of heat cameras at transportation hubs like airports, at least for the first couple of months after we’re allowed out again.
  3. A higher public awareness around illness, particularly on crowded public transport if people are coughing etc.
  4. In the UK, I sincerely hope (and this point is more of a hope than a prediction) that there will be more protection around the NHS. It’s unique and great quality that’s part of British life which has been dredged through hell and back in the last decade under tory rule. Hopefully this will help put it back on the list of priorities.

If the Labour party is clever, there is a potential to shift public favour towards their way. However, given the recent change in party leadership, the timing may be against them as the news hasn’t been that much of a forefront of the headlines due to covid-19 and so far Keir Starmer hasn’t really been able to do much to turn the tides. What with Boris Johnson probably gaining some national sympathies from his infection with the coronavirus, Starmer will have to really start getting a plan into gear if he is to lead Labour into a win next election.

So that’s some of the ramblings and muddled thoughts I’ve had so far in my month of quarantine. All in all, I’m not in a position to complain. My partner and I are both working from home and both are currently not at risk of losing our jobs. It is just difficult living in a city when the main reasons for you to live there are all currently moot and shut down. In a city, without all the bright lights, culture and bells and whistles, at the end of the day is just a grey monolith of a prison. Mentally, that’s probably the hardest part. It is a long journey and we’re only partway through it, so just pace yourselves, we will get through to the other side.