relationships

Post-Mortem of a Relationship

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The Ending
I miss you. Thank you for being someone who gave me space to love with abandon. To love so fiercely and with so much of my heart. That’s why it still hurts so much that you chose to walk away. All that love pouring out of me with no where to go. That’s what they say grief is, right?

Whilst I understand your decision, it seems crazy to me how fine you seem. I know that you have tendencies to repress emotions but it still cut deep to see how well you took to the absence of me.
And maybe you’re not. I think emotions affect you more than you care to be honest with yourself.
I think the main reason that drove you to make the decision of breaking up was that I had made you feel unsafe in the relationship – for the first time. I don’t think you knew how to handle it and so you did the one thing you could control, which was to eradicate the thing that had made you feel unsafe.

But none of that matters, they are only narratives I am building in my head to help make sense of the grief that I still feel. Because only a crazy person, in my mind, would throw away a relationship as good as we had it.

The silence between us is growing quieter. The hurt grows slightly more calm day by day but never fully away. At least not yet. Maybe one day.

The Grief
I don’t remember the last time I cried this much for this long. Every time I think I can no longer cry anymore, I somehow do. With every tear that’s shed, the weight sinks down in my heart into my stomach, wrenching it until it’s twist beyond recognition. At some point these tears will become a river which will become a whirlpool that threatens to swallow me whole. I can feel it tug at my skin, drawing me downwards into it’s comforting abyss. There is no light there, everything lost into the void.

But I cannot, will not go.

These tears can become scars on my heart, to go alongside the ones from tears before. They will become my battle scars of the wars that I’ve fought with grief. The wars that I’ve won, my presence and joys to show for it.

I will wear warpaint mixed up from tears and the dust that’s settled from previous fights. My sobs will become my war-cry. Embracing the pain will become my strength.

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I chose this path in order to feel. I did not want to be numb anymore, but I forgot what it meant to feel like an exposed nerve.
All of the kisses, all of the laughs, the gentle moments, the less gentle moments. Is this heartbreak worth it for all of that? It is, but I just wish that there had been time for more. Even though we squeezed as much as we could out of the moments we had, all I want to do is to slide back into that blissful cocoon that was our world. Where love, understanding and rejoicing in each other was the language that we shared.
I want more time with that beautiful smile that lights up your face and makes my heart skip a beat. I want more time feeling the gentle way you kiss me. I want more time being silly and goofy with you. And even more time skin on skin.

Even though I knew there was the high possibility that this relationship would end because you wanted to pursue monogamy, I just hoped you would know how rare it is to be able to find a dynamic like ours. The fifteen months we were dating flew by and when I look through the photos and messages we shared, we did so much, in so many different areas. And we got on like a house on fire in everything we did, maybe that’s why it all burned down. In the end, if none of that meant enough for you to try and protect it, then I was a fool for hoping you would.

You had found someone who was good to you, who tried to give you as much as possible, that you could openly confide in with your thoughts and feelings. Who asked very little other than to be able to spend time with you. And you threw it all away. I hope it’ll all be worth it. Because I don’t know if I’ll be here if you came back looking for me.

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I hate your stupid face. The sad look in your eyes when we last spoke. Your soft tone when you told me you no longer wanted to be with me despite still being in love with me. I hate the way you listened to me but refused to actually hear what I was saying. I hate the stupid way you decide one thing and won’t change your mind. Even if it’s stupid. And it makes no sense.
I hate the stupid way you go seeking space and not realising why and that it’s probably not what you want. I hate how stupid you are, never realising that I could’ve been everything for you. I hate how I’m resorting to calling you stupid just so I can be angry at you, because I’ve been struggling to feel that way.
This is all so stupid and I hate it. 

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I really hope it all falls to shit. We get told we shouldn’t be spiteful but why not. When the person who hurt you is clearly blinded by their own ill-advised conviction. I hope it all falls to pieces and then you realise what a mistake it all was. To finally see our relationship in the same light that I saw it – one in a million. And I hope that it will dawn on you how stupid it was that you just let it go. I hope you can admit that it was an error of judgement. And I hope that it will soothe my age old wound, that will no longer have a hold on me.

——————————————

I realise all the dates I’m going on. The people I’m meeting. They’re helping as a distraction from the pain I feel. But in reality, all I’m doing, is trying to find you. And that hurts to realise.
I wish I could kill this side of me that holds these feelings for you. So that I no longer feel like this. So I can move on. So I can be friends with you.

The Love
291 days of knowing you and everyday that I do, I’m so grateful for having got to meet you at all.
I’m not one to believe in fate or destiny but it still blows my mind the chain of happy coincidences that led to us meeting. Even before that when we were just texting, there was always something about you that I felt drawn to, a magnetic pull almost.

291 days later since that day I bumped into you at the Chinese supermarket, I still remember the moment I spotted you, did a double take and locked eyes with you. I knew in that instant that I wanted to know you, felt a connection with you, even though we were complete strangers.

I have a habit of being overly optimistic and falling head over heels for people for them to let me down. No matter how much hope I place on you, who you are and our relationship, you exceed them always. Thank you for giving me your efforts and time in a way that makes me feel loved and seen.

It blows my mind that someone as amazing as you loves me the way that you do. I still find it hard to wrap my head around it all some times. You’re fiercely smart, gentle (and also not, at the right times), kind, fun, inspirational. I can’t help but feel drawn to you at all times, even when you’re being a dick at mario karts.

The trips and times we’ve spent together have been some of the best memories of my year. Thank you for uplifting my life. I love how we can enjoy so many different avenues of life together all with a joke and a laugh.

291 days of loving you, and I hope we have many more together.

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So delicate and delicious in equal measure.
The way your eyes lit up when I handed you the tiny crane I’d folded out of the gold chocolate wrapper. The hint of a smile dancing on your lips as you declared “No, it doesn’t look like a swan, it looks like a dragon”.
How preciously you held it in your hand as we left the restaurant and walked back to yours.
In that moment, you may as well have been holding my heart.

The “I Miss You”s
Is it ever simple to say I miss you?
One little phrase to encompass the yearning I feel for you. For your smile, your smell, your touch, your lips. In still moments, my imagination tried to conjure you. It can try but it could never do you justice.
The flashes of the past brings me a whisper of the joy felt in that moment but only tickles the aching hunger that I feel in every cell. I miss you (so much).
Such a loaded phrase taking the form of three short words. What I really mean to say is:
“I wish you were here”
“I wish we didn’t have to part”
“I can’t wait to see each other again”
All those desires baked into just three words.
How could it possibly convey the gratitude I have for having you in my life. You took a part of me with you when you left but in exchange I got to rejoice in who you are, your ghost to keep me company until we meet again.
And so, I’ll carry you with me, in the day to day, in the sunshine, in the cold, dark nights.
All I can hope is sometimes you think of me too.
And here I end with the little words, I miss you.

The Effect
I feel like a car jumpstarted. Having been sitting in a junkyard resigned to my fate. Out of nowhere, your energy hits me. It’s electrifying and all-consuming.
The person who I thought was lost and lay gone, you’ve shone a light on her – she’s well and alive. Her reckless whirlwind of energy no less than it was before; perhaps she had always been here, just dormant. You’ve released the raw force of her nature and I feel unbound, untethered. Am I scared or excited at the notion of being swept away? Whichever it is, the emotion is overwhelming, it engulfs me until I no longer know what’s me and what’s her. The wisdoms I’ve learned since I last knew her, will they allow me to harness the power or will she wreck me – another mess in her shipyard.

The Start
Exploring this new uncharted territory of dating whilst being engaged, I thought I was just supplementing my primary relationship. I wanted to meet interesting people, but I didn’t think I’d meet someone like you. Perhaps a little part of me had always hoped?
You intrigued me from the get go, your vibrant intelligence comes across so strongly. The multi-sides of you that is quiet and pensive as well as boisterous and rogue. You’re the first person who I’ve met that reminds me of me. An explorer, an adventurer, who wants to see it all and do it all. The best thing about you is that you make it happen.
And even though I hate long distance relationships, that is currently what we’re in right now, I still find myself falling so hard for you. Something I never thought would be possible. Perhaps it’s a mix of the circumstances along with some personal growth.
The idea of you meeting someone who you want to pursue a monogamous relationship with, scares me. And it’s made me realise that, although it was not my intention, I’ve been playing for keeps. What a fool I am.

Love and Acceptance

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I have to start this post off by admitting that I am, for the most part, a bit of a weird individual. I don’t really believe in normal – I think everyone is on a spectrum but just hide things – but I do have a lot of idiosyncrasies and behaviours which are odd. This I am aware of.

In the past, I’ve always had to restrain or tone down parts of myself in relationships. My oddities made my partners uncomfortable or confounded by my behaviour. It is not until this relationship that I truly feel accepted as who I am.

This man, the more I am weird, the more he laughs and expresses joy at seeing it. Going so far to even say he likes my weirdness. Having had the fixed idea that I will always have to hide myself in some ways in relationships, it feels so liberating to be truly be accepted for who I am, unapologetically.

Thank you.

Long Distance (Family) Relationships

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Just said goodbye this evening to my parents before they fly back to HK tomorrow. They’ve been living there for almost a decade, and yet I still haven’t quite got used to saying goodbye to them. Weirdly it’s just got worse as time goes on. I struggle to not well up when saying goodbye. It’s always awkward, and looking at my dad always sets me off – he’s the one who’s also welling up. Then comes the awkward shoulder grip and pat that’s loaded with emotions as we force smiles that are a mix of happy of having spent time together but sadness to be separating again.

They brought us over here in ’96 to help enrich our lives and give us a unique opportunity that many kids in HK would never get – for that I will always be grateful. But it has caused a difficult conundrum when they moved back to HK and we stayed here. Trying to navigate familial bonds when your parents are a 12 hour flight away and 7/8 hours ahead (depending on time of year) is difficult at best, painful when you or they are going through harder times where other families may band together, we don’t have that luxury. I hate that word is even somewhat applicable.

It certainly forced me to become self-reliant in a sink or swim fashion and that is something that I identify as a fundamental part of my personality. But still I want to acknowledge the pain that come along with this process.

In a bittersweet way, the distance does make the time that we spend even more precious. But until next time, I will go back to being the island that I am.

Getting What You Wished For

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I have tried and struggled to put into words the multiple times that I have attempted to process this relationship. It’s a very new and slightly puzzling experience to try and express how I feel but never feeling like I’m doing it justice.

Throughout my life thus far, I have been learning – always learning – particularly about things I may not want in a relationship. I had resigned myself to the fact that to be in a relationship I will end up having to compromise a fair amount because where am I going to find someone particular in the same ways as me? I still pinch myself from time to time to make sure I haven’t just made him up in my mind.

It’s a weird feeling to have, he makes me so happy but the kind of happy where it’s not overly animated. In a way that you are content with life. I know this is something special.

The Root of Relationships

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What is the root reason that we as a species seek romantic relationships? If familial bonds and friendships are close enough, why is it we still sought out that additional dynamic?

Maybe part of it is the level of acceptance that we seek from these relationships that we cannot gain from others. We bare our souls to reveal our weaknesses and vulnerability in the process. It’s a terrifying process with no real guarantee that you will be truly accepted, but if you hold back then you limit the gains. It’s hard to let go like that when you’ve been hurt, and we as a species can be awful to one another.

I’ve met someone who I’m still learning as a person, but we have been uncensored in the way we have shared ourselves with each other. It feels amazing to not have to restrain myself in any way and be able to speak about all thoughts. It feels even more amazing for him to say what he thinks, express what he likes and for me to naturally be able to accept it. He is an incredible human being. I didn’t really think this level of not having to compromise and admiration in a relationship could exist. Long may it continue.

Mourning a Ghost

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I still miss you. I can hardly believe it myself but I do. I’ve always found it tricky to let go and move on after relationships but I’ve never stuck around for long. It’s coming up to five months and I still feel a deep sense of loss when flashbacks ambush me or when I wonder about you. It’s slowly dawning on me that maybe it will always be that way.

It’s frustrating to be in this circle. I think about you, feel the sadness, get frustrated that it’s still so dominant but allow myself to feel in the hope that I’m working through it and thus it goes round.

I’m not pining. I’m pulling hard hours at work, see friends, climb, yoga and plan trips to escape the city. I joke, laugh, rant and cry. I’m a different person to the one I was already but emotionally I am still there.

I’ve worked through it rationally as much as I need to. I know I’m fine on my own, and I understand from an overall perspective things as they were, why things happened. But nothing helps this sense of loss that hits me in the core and I can’t shake.

The worst part of it all is that the person I miss isn’t even the you that you are now. Or even the you who you were five months ago when we broke up. I miss the you from almost a year ago (doesn’t time fly quickly?). The worst part of it is knowing the person I miss doesn’t even exist right now. I am mourning a memory. I have no precedent of how this goes. All I can do is see how it goes just to keep going.

It Baffles Me

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Just how the guys I date all seem to have the same recurring faults. Why is it none of you seem have any sort of emotional maturity? Or even know how to deal with emotion? And then those of you who don’t know how to communicate, who just shut off, how have you managed to get this way? I really struggle to understand.

If you think it’s easy to find just a male who can communicate competently and can express their emotions I think you’ll find you are very wrong.

I’m not sure I even know what to think anymore. I would love to find someone who can communicate, who possesses empathy and is comfortable expressing emotions. Along with all the other criteria, reliable, affectionate, intelligent, self assured, adventurous. I think I’m chasing a ghost, better off just focusing on that comfy sofa and big dog.

Saying Goodbye

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I’ve never found it easy to let go of things. I think that’s probably why I usually default to cutting people off when relationships end. It’s hard to go from being romantically involved with someone to being friends without having been that in the first place.

I miss you. It’s frustrating how much I do but I know I need to give myself time. I don’t want to ruin all the memories that I have in order to move on when it was the relationship I’ve treasured the most. I want to respect the fact that despite the low I’m in now because of it, I also had a high I never had before. Even though in my mind it ended when it shouldn’t have, it doesn’t change what was.

You said you loved me but weren’t in love with me, and I absent-mindedly wonder whether you truly understand what it means to be in love and in a relationship. One day you may meet someone you grow to feel more for than me, you also may not. I accept that but it no longer matters to me. I know what our relationship and you were to me and that’s all matter to me now.

And whilst there were plenty of things about me you deemed “not right” for you, that also works in reverse. You scorned at the fact that I have a city background, to me you couldn’t even begin to fathom half of the situations that I deal with day to day living and working in London. I grew up in a countryside town, city life has only been applicable in my working life – it certainly doesn’t define me. But whilst I don’t envisage my future being city based, I do greatly enjoy the things they offer. Sometimes just as much as I enjoy being outdoors and going on adventures in isolated places. I like to adapt and I want to do it all. You certainly didn’t fit in all that – although I fully accepted this. I guess what I’m trying to say is, in some ways I’m glad I no longer have to limit myself in order to make our relationship work. We would’ve certainly widened each others horizons to say the least. For someone who likes to think of himself as open minded and self-aware, you are hypocritically small minded – your obstinance in leading the life you planned out for yourself blinds and limits you.

I do hope you are well and I have every faith you will execute everything you have in your plan. Thanks for the memories and I hope you find what you think you’ll find.

Walking Away From It All

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I’ve always had to restrain myself in relationships – they always remarked that I was too intense.

They never got me. I could explain and express myself as plainly as I could but they never really understood what I was saying.

I always felt alone in some way. Even when I was physically with them. That was us too by the end, because you pulled yourself away.

None of them, bar one, could entertain the conversations that I craved. The philosophical questions about consciousness and self-awareness.

I quickly outgrew all of them, leaving them behind because of some way that I felt they were immature.

Until I met you.

One day someone will listen to me talk about you and when I’m finally finished, they will ask “so why did you love him?” and I will answer “Because I got to see who he was and I just loved him.” Simple as that. And it will be the truth. But it wasn’t enough. I finally met someone who I didn’t have to restrain myself with, who could challenge my thinking, who I could explain myself to and understood why I meant what I said. But he was too young to see what I could see.

You hate being called a boy, because you think to use the phase “boy” or “girl” is disrespectful. (I don’t agree, I think they’re purely cultural but you were never really open to listen to me on this point). But I have to say, by the end of our relationship all you proved to me was how much of a boy you still were, how sheltered you had been, and how blind you were. If you ever find someone like me, never let her go. I don’t think I’ve ever met anyone else in the same breed as me, overly rational but still in touch with just enough emotions to be able to function. Especially to hear the things you say without over-reacting. There’s only so many times I can hear “whatever I’m looking for, you’re not it” without letting myself fall apart from the feeling like whatever that was left intact was being ripped to even smaller shreds (what even was that? You tell me I’m not it but then progress in the same piece of prose to tell me that you could see that our future if we were physically together right now would be incredible?? What a load of garbled mess. You have a lot of thinking and growing up to do).

No I don’t see our relationship in that movie because the guy asks the girl back near the end – although I find it interesting that’s the part you picked up on and reacted so strongly to. I relate to and aspire to be like the heroine who finds her independence even though she deeply loved and shared a unique connection with the boyfriend who abandons her. Does that seem somewhat familiar?

I will continue to cry about us for a long time. You may have to live with your decisions (and it was more or less wholly your decision), but so do I. For me, I can take some small solace in the fact what you think and decide is outside my realm of control, but I still have to live with your decision to starve our future out of possibility. I can see there may come a day when you regret this decision. Or you may not; again this is completely out of my domain of control. I will move on from this with acceptance that I did all I could, I loved fiercely, proudly and without restraint. It was beautiful and it hurt like hell like I’ve never known – deeper than I could’ve imagine. I’m not sure I would do it again but I’m proud for the fact I did.

You were surprised by my breaking up with you the morning before I left (know that I chose to only because I could see that you had exited the relationship already and my integrity refused to let me continue). You were also hurt when I told you that even if you asked for me back, I’d say no. This highlights your immaturity, you’re not used to someone who might actually stand up for themselves. And there are plenty of people who wouldn’t, who would stay and stick it out rather than choose being alone and facing the unknown. But just as what you choose and feel isn’t within my control, nor am I in yours. You may think I’m predictable but you underestimate me. You tell me that I’m so much more emotionally advanced or that I’m incredible in communication or whatever, but you don’t actually believe it. I see it in your actions. You try and paint yourself as this anti to the male ego, that you’re so much better than that. But at the end of the day, what you did was no better than any of my exes. You have a high opinion of yourself for someone who lacks the self-awareness they claim that they have. This point, I really hope that you read one day and really reflect on. You are just as self-serving as any of them, which is ironic given how your aim in life is so community focused. On a wandering tangent, I wonder how selfless it can be counted if you orientate your life around giving back to the community if it’s to make you feel fulfilled. Get off your high chair, maybe then you can learn real self-awareness.

I am going to stop talking about you after this. Hopefully at some point in the near future I will stop thinking about you too. I took a chance and I gave it all I could. And it’s likely that I will never love anyone like I did you, but I don’t think loves like that are meant to happen multiple times in a lifetime and I’m making peace with that. If you had any sense, you’d fight, but you don’t and nor will you if you ever realise the gravity of this in future. Men in general are so scared of hurting themselves and their egos – no matter how hard you want to believe you are exempt from that, you are not.

Anxieties of a Long Distance Relationship

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It’s bizarre to think we’ve only been together for three and a half months. I’ve never been with someone who I know like I know you. It’s not that I can claim I know you like the back of my hand (or maybe it is because I don’t know the back of hands that well), but it’s more that I can read you – you make sense to me. I spend my time in relationships deciphering the other person. Each one is like a puzzle and up until now, working it out leads me to boredom. But with you, you just get more interesting and I can’t put my finger on why that is. Maybe it’s because I genuinely believe you could leave me at any point and not show any remorse in doing so. I have experienced it and it hurt like hell. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. There won’t be a third time. I love myself too much for that. But even though the possibility is very real that you might break up with me again, and even though it lies there like an exposed nerve, I still want to make this work.
A small part of me is quietly convinced that this will work out. And I’m past the point of knowing whether this part is my gut (which is pretty on point) or whether it’s a ridiculous hope I have.
It’s like the world’s most tense game of chicken and the prize is priceless but the forfeit is tragic.
All this is part of my anxiety I know, and it makes me into this flustered mess that feels like I have no control over anything. I hate that feeling, like I’m spinning wildly out of control and might end up doing something wrong. And that’s why I know I need to calm myself down and compose myself, even though that’s the last thing I want to do.
You need to snap out of it Louisa. You’ve been through too much to let this affect you the way it is. The tighter you try and hold on the more you’ll smother him and the relationship. You want to be with him because he chooses to be with you not because you convince him or nag him into it.
If it ends, it ends. There is very little you can do about it but you know you’ll be alright. That tattoo on your leg saying “this too shall pass” was to serve as a reminder that nothing is permanent. Everything single fucking thing in this world is transitional and temporary. And there is no happy ending because your life is not a story. So take a deep breathe. It is what it is and what will be, will be.