Emotional and self awareness are interesting concepts. Sometimes the way they’re talked about makes it feel like the time prior to these moments were spent asleep, and I guess in a way one is. Living and experiencing life without truly understanding the reason why things make one react that way, or why one feels the way they feel.
Anxiety was something I came to learn was a constant companion in my 20s, and that felt like a game-changer but little did I know the amount of self discovery yet to make. And I guess in some ways, I don’t know now what I don’t know – I wonder what new self discoveries I’ll make into my 40s, 50s, 60s and beyond.
But one of the more monumental realisations is that I’m neurodivergent. And before I dive deeper into it, I want to address that if I am, I am high-functioning and have no real intention of getting formally diagnosed. Not because I’m scared but largely because I don’t see there being much value for myself. I have lived to my mid-thirties having built enough coping strategies and mechanisms for these attributes I always just thought were “quirks”, nothing has caused me enough gripe to be needing formal diagnosis in order to access things like prescription medicines. So, this could all be ramblings of a madwoman and may as well taken as one – but then, who’s reading this anyway?#
Where was I? Oh yes, neurodivergence. If I had guess, I would guess I’m AuDHD, or I even saw that there is a third type called giftedness somewhere (although if that is what I am, I really wish they would change the labelling because that just sounds downright arrogant). But basically, it’s a reeeeeaaaaally fun melting pot of overlap between the three, so I could be all three and also none at all. Why not have my mood of the day choose what I am hey?
I can’t remember when I started noticing my “quirks” perhaps weren’t just quirks. I guess some time in my 20s, I would nonchalantly quip that I was on the spectrum, but I can’t tell you how much I truly believed what I said at the time. I knew I had always thought differently to people around me, but as the only Hong Kong Chinese kid and one of a handful of kids who were not white in my entire school year, I had just figured it might’ve been a cultural thing. In some ways, I think that was a blessing. I felt different and isolated and alone in lots of ways growing up where I did, but it never occurred to me it was because of how I thought, just what I was haha. And I got to reconcile with different cultural identity in my late teens/ early twenties to the point where I’m proud to be from a different cultural heritage and background, so in some ways I see it as a win-win?
Over time, it became clearer that I had traits that were associated with ADHD as well as autism although I think to a lesser extent. It is also interesting that certain traits and quirks, I swear, started appearing in my 20s. But my mind being my mind, has always just taken the role of an observer, seeing a trend in triggers and reactions so would take introduce protocols or strategies to counter these.
I remember the first time, some time in my mid 20s, when I experienced a mild panic attack on the tube. I was living in London at the time and it was the middle of winter. The tubes are generally quite warm, and some lines (like the central line) I’d always say just felt a few metres closer to hell. That particular day, I had gotten on the tube and had been layered up, as one would in winter. The dance of putting clothes on having taken them off just felt cumbersome so I had decided to not, but some time halfway through the journey (I think I was at Canning Town, on the way to Stratford), I could feel myself struggling to cool down. The walking around to catch the tube plus the warm carriage prevented that and I could feel panic creep up and up and up until I experienced my first ever mild panic attack. It was really strange, literally nothing had happened apart from me getting too warm. It always struck me as really odd after that, how so many other people could wear puffer jackets on the tube. Turns out struggling to thermal regulate is actually a trait within autism. Whodathunk?
Another quirk of mine is that strong smells give me headaches. I have never been able to enjoy walking within 20 metres of a Lush store, or ever wear perfume. It’s like my olfactory senses get slapped by the cloying smells and not in a fun way. Now, knowing what I know about sensory overwhelm, perhaps that was always a sign of neurodivergence. I just had put it down to a sensitive sense of smell.
One more “quirk” I’ll share is around my issues with emotional permanence. Object permanence is the concept of being able to keep the idea something exists when it’s not directly in your immediate vicinity or recent interactions. A lot of people with ADHD suffer issues with object permanence. Turns out there is also an emotion equivalent where people from both ADHD or autistic backgrounds struggle to hold onto feelings or a sense of connection with another person when they are not physically present. It is something I have experienced since I started dating in my early twenties and experienced a partner going away for a trip. It didn’t need to be a long trip, even a week or two week trip would trigger this in me. I always put it down to my anxious attachment style, which in hindsight, might actually be a reaction because the sudden absence of the strong emotions I had felt is a bit jarring. But as I was researching into the concept this morning, it all finally clicked and it felt amazing to read in words, not written by me, the feeling of what I had felt but never quite understood why. Turns out I am mad! But at least we know what the madness is.
None of this necessarily changes anything, I still won’t go get diagnosed, and whilst having the vocabulary to be able to discuss and explain to people why I react or feel a particular is useful, I had already had awareness and had active coping mechanisms in place for years before I discovered the vocabulary. I will try and adopt some of the new copy strategies I’ve read to see if it can help me even more, but to a certain extent, I feel like I have this under control.
I would say, it was something that was really bothering you and it does not feel in control or is negatively affecting you (the main requirement we were taught on my BSc Pharmacology course was the defining factor of a psychological disorder), then do seek help and diagnosis. Sometimes we all need a little help in order to be able to identify and put things in place to help. We don’t have to do it alone.
But ultimately, know that those quirks make up who you are. They won’t go away any time soon, or ever. For me, I very much like who I am, quirks and all so that’s fine by me.
AChinaSoul 